The "Giant Lincoln" Storyboard
by Jonah Begone
Sometimes my best ideas never see the light of day. "Giant Lincoln" was a concept I had back when I was a newsletter editor. I wanted one of my artists, Paul Rogers, Bob Fleming or Harry Dierken to illustrate it (Paul Rogers would have been the best choice, I think) - but for some reason we never got around to it. Too bad - I think this one had promise. - Jonah
Frame 1: The End of the Quasquicentennial.
A cartoon showing a portion of a Farmville, VA local newspaper with "REENACTMENT OF APPOMATTOX DISRUPTED!" in bold face on the cover. The article reads: "Yankee reenactors yesterday disrupted the 130th anniversary of Appomattox Court House when they refused to surrender to Confederate reenactors. Virginia State Trooper Billy "Stonewall" McBob was quoted as saying, 'Just because Lee surrendered, doesn't mean our boys have to!' Police were called in and over 100 arrests of Federal reenactors was made..."
Frame 2: Mt. Rushmore, S. Dakota.
A drawing of Mt. Rushmore - the presidents are drawn normally.
Same drawing of Mt. Rushmore, except that now Lincoln's eyes are opened and a great bellow of "AAARRRRRUUUGGGHHHH!" comes out of his mouth. The other presidents look on horrified.
Frame 4: Simultaneously, in the Federal City...
The Lincoln Monument, beginning to vibrate and quake. Frightened tourists cower.
Frame 5: "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP!"
The Daniel Chester French Lincoln statue (still holding his lapels in both hands) explosively breaks out of the building and begins walking down the steps. "WHOOOM! WHOOOM!" indicates the sound Giant Lincoln's feet make hitting the pavement. The Gettysburg address ("Four score and seven years ago...") is drawn at the top of the next several frames where appropriate.
Frame 6: Lincoln heads down I-95...
A drawing showing Lincoln (hands holding both lapels) striding down I-95, kicking pick-up trucks with Confederate flags, etc. as he walks.
Frame 7: The Presidental Escort
A drawing of pennies rolling down I-95. In the background a pile of pennies, with a buried man's arm holding a Confederate flag.
A drawing of walking five dollar bills (all with angry Lincoln portraits on them) - a Confederate reenactor is shown lying on the ground paper-cut to death. Another is shown being choked by a $5 bill.
Frame 9: "On to Richmond!"
A reduced photocopy of the Virginia map of the Richmond area.
Frame 10: A brief stop.
Giant Lincoln (both hands still holding his lapels) punts the Stonewall Jackson Shine into the Potomac (a skeletal arm is drawn flying out of the building). An enormous "Heh heh" is shown above the scene in epic letters.
A rear shot of Giant Lincoln entering Richmond (a sign in the foreground reads, "Richmond City Limits").
Frame 12: The Confederate Air Force is dispatched...
A drawing of World War II airplanes with Confederate flags painted on them. The pilots look like Reb reenactors.
Frame 13: ...to no avail.
Giant Lincoln is drawn clinging to a skyscraper ("First Confederate Bank of Richmond") swatting Confederate Air Force planes to the ground like King Kong.
Frame 14: "THIS REMINDS ME OF A JOKE..."
Giant Lincoln approaches the Museum of the Confederacy building...
...and smashes it with a giant axe, as if it were a rail. Uniforms, cannons, Confederate flags, etc. are drawn flying everywhere.
A close-up of Giant Lincoln winking, saying "Sometimes you just can't extend mercy to all..." A big "thumbs up!" is extended out of the frame.
Frame 17: Off to Stone Mountain, GA
Drawing of rear of Giant Lincoln, heading off into the sunset.