ARMY OF THE POTOMAC ENEMY #10: "AXE REB"
Attention to all AoP field units: Attached you will find a tin-type of the dreaded "Axe Reb." A throwback to the Viking
berserkers of yore, Axe Reb is oft in the forefront of rebel charges armed only with a fearsome battleaxe and uttering the most blood-curdling battle cries. The most steadfast of Union regiments have fled at the mere report Axe Reb is in the enemy's ranks, and his viciousness is unparalleled.
Mentally unstable, Axe Reb's especial wrath is vented upon unfortunate Federal "foresters," who, it is noted, wear crossed hatchets on their sleeves to designate their special duty status. Rumor has it that while on picket, in one of those "trading truce" situations we here in headquarters try so hard to discourage, Axe Reb once begged a little coffee from a Federal forester. The forester refused to trade any coffee, which sent Axe Reb into a angry fit. He then swore to avenge this act of parsimony with acts of blood, declaring that for every drop of coffee the forester refused to trade, he would shed five drops of Federal forester blood by the very same device they wore on their sleeves. He has lived up to this unholy oath.
Agent Pinkerton reports this fiend is actually a young woman, one Lizzie Borden of Fall River, Mass., but this intelligence remains unconfirmed.
Approach Axe Reb with extreme caution. While appearing calm and in control of himself, as this tin-type would suggest, Axe Reb is frequently irrational, vile-tempered and prone to the most blood-curdling acts of violence. Any sightings should be reported to the Paul Bunyan Task Force of the 5th Wisconsin, who is specially equipped to deal with Axe Reb with tools of their own.
