The Lost Lincoln Letters
collected and edited by Jonah Begone
Letter dated 19 September 1862
Gen'l. McClellan,
You idiot. You moron. You half-witted, pompous little runt. You let Lee get away. The bearded goons in my cabinet have more real military ability than you have. That's it. Have the big wall tent ready - I'm coming up there next month to ream you out a new one. I know you'll still be there next month, too, so don't bother telling me another whopper about finding a roll of cigars with Lee's future battle plans wrapped around them, either. Keep your Commander-in-Chief waiting up in D.C., will you? Just you wait, Shorty...
Respectfully yours,
A. Lincoln
Letter dated 10 March 1864 to prominent Washington divorce lawyer Miles Bar Bentley
Dear Sir,
You come highly recommended to me as a man without morals, a scrapper, a cunning and crafty manipulator of the common folk - in short, a lawyer. (I recognize the breed from my days in Springfield.) My problem, Sir, is my wife. Life is getting pretty bizarre here in the Oval Office, and she's largely to blame. Last night she presided over a seance where one guest thought he was being inhabited by John C. Calhoun and another by Andrew Jackson. It got pretty noisy, I can tell you.
Must go. I've just heard a sudden thump upon the floor and now Mrs. Lincoln's crying "I've fallen and I can't get up" (those ridiculous corsets, I wager). See if there's some sort of insanity clause in marriages the Democrats can't use against me, will you?
Respectfully,
A. Lincoln
Letter dated 7 September 1863 to a Mrs. Julia Crankshaw
My Dear Woman,
Received your note of the 5th inst. regarding your son who is to be shot for falling asleep while on post in Alexandria. I wish I could have received it on the 4th inst. Sorry.
Yours, etc.
A. Lincoln
Letter dated 20 December 1862 to Gen. Ambrose E. Burnside
Gen'l. Burnside,
You idiot. You moron. The bearded goons in my cabinet have more real military ability than you have. That's it. "Fighting" Joe Hooker has been angling for your job and I think I'm going to give it to him.
Respectfully, A. Lincoln
Letter dated 24 April 1862 to a Mr. Josiah Ford
Dear Sir,
Received your letter of the 17th regarding your new "Continental" line of surries and buggies. No, I am not willing to lend my name to one. Don't you think the title "Lincoln Continental" sounds a little pompous? It sounds like another one of those dull-witted jokes about my height. No sir, I won't have it - not in a hundred years.
Sincerely yours, etc.
A. Lincoln
Letter dated 25 December to Gen. William T. Sherman
My Dear Gen'l. Sherman,
The city of Savannah - what a delightful Christmas present! Now do something really dramatic and burn down a major city or two in South Carolina. Make sure you capture that long-haired coot Ed Ruffin while you're at it; Anderson's been on my back about hoisting Old Glory back up in Sumpter - hurry it up, will you?
Respectfully,
A. Lincoln
Letter dated 1 March 1862 to Mrs. Julia Ward Howe
Dear Mrs. Howe,
Thank you for the song lyrics, but I have no use for them. They smack of the sort of abolitionist frenzy that has been causing me grief ever since I "won" this coveted position I now hold. Lady, I would love to free the slaves but I have no means to do so at present. The political publicity would be very good for me, but do you in your wildest dreams think the American people would support a president who always did what was politically correct or expedient? Don't you think they'd see through that? I think not. Go back up north and leave me alone.
Sincerely, A. Lincoln
Letter dated 5 July 1863 to Gen. George G. Meade
Gen'l. Meade,
You idiot. You moron. You let Lee get away. The bearded goons in my cabinet have more real military ability than you have. That's it. Have the big wall tent ready - I'm coming up there next month to ream you out a new one. I know you'll still be there next month, too, so don't bother telling me another whopper about the utterly spent state of your army. Just you wait...
Respectfully, A. Lincoln
Letter dated 12 October 1864 to James Bancroft, Chairman of the Republican party's Lincoln Re-election Committee
Dear Jim,
Let me thank you for all the work you've performed for me to secure my reelection in next month's race. However, I am certain that the pompous little runt McClellan will be the next Chief Executive - he deserves the job! - and frankly I am looking forward to saying adieu to all the obnoxious office seekers here in Washington and returning to Illinois. No, I do not think your plan of making political hay of McClellan's pardon of that Rebel convicted of war atrocities (Pvt. Will Horton) is a good idea. If I didn't know it originated from you I would say that the whole thing was seedy and low, and insults the office of the presidency. I would hope to run a campaign better than that. I do think you were right about ditching Hamlin, though. Once again thank you for your efforts in my behalf.
Sincerely, A. Lincoln
Letter dated 25 October 1863 to Phillip "Bud" Getty, chairman of the Gettysburg Remembrance Committee
Bud,
I will be happy to attend your event next month and make a few remarks. Seeing as how you're putting that blowhard Ed. Everett on before me I'll make it short - I'm sure he'll drawl on forever and the last thing I aim to do is bore people. It's rather a minor affair, isn't it? I'm sure no matter what anyone says there people will little note nor long remember it. See you next month.
Respectfully, A. Lincoln
Undated letter to Senator John Wainwright, member of the committee that attempted to investigate Mary Todd Lincoln for treasonable sentiment.
Sir,
How dare you? The woman may try me but I will not have her tried by you. If you people initiate this thing I promise to break all precedent and appear in person as a witness for my wife and probably bust a few noses as well. You have been warned.
Sincerely, A. Lincoln
