Old Mister Cholesterol

This is one of those reenactor "things." You know, you have a wild weekend at an event and come home with all sorts of regimental bits and lore you and your pards thought up. (Another one placed here in JonahWorld! is "Elvis: A Confederate Vision") So I had my doubts about sharing this with a wider audience - it kind of helps to explain it if you knew the personalities in my unit. But here it is anyway, largely on account of my admiration for the Paul Rogers drawing. I told him how I envisioned OMC, and he drew it. (By the way, that's a McDonald's arch on his forage cap.) Here's hoping Old Mister Cholesterol avoids your tent! - Jonah

Bacon grease. Fried eggs. Palm oil. Sausages. Butter. Lard. These are the tools of "Old Mister Cholesterol," a shadowy figure that haunts reenactors around the campfire at events. Many of you have asked, who is this specter of fear and death?

The first mention of this frightful apparition occurred at an event my unit did in 1989. Me and some of my pards were seated at some picnic tables eating our breakfasts near a Knights of Columbus hall (the location of the annual regimental dinner). Some rather tubby Confederate reenactors were seated nearby, discussing mutual friends. We overheard this conversation: "Yeah, he had a heart attack - at his age! Can you imagine?" A pause, while the Rebs considered the arbitrariness of life and death, and then, "Old Mister Cholesterol got 'im!"

All three of us felt a shiver down our spines! Old Mister Cholesterol - he who lives in an old shack, "just over by the bend in the river." We have since gotten more familiar with him. Appearing at our campfire breakfast circles, arm around the shoulders of an otherwise unaware Civil War reenactor, he says "How about some more scrambled eggs?" "Have another sausage!" "If you save some of that bacon grease you can fry up your hardtack to make Skillygallee!" "Why are you using Fleishmann's? Use butter! Wipe some more on that bread!" "That isn't skim milk you're using, is it?"

We know him now, and are aware of his interests. He's overseeing the formation of the Rebel Food Preparation Brigade now, but it's only a matter of time before he joins your camp. When he does, your fear begins in earnest...