Secession: It’s Back in the News!


By Jonah Begone



Well, well, well.


Of all the improbable folks to wave the rhetorical Confederate battle flag to become neo-Rebs, it’s the cod-throttlers in Massachusetts and the wine and brie set from Manhattan, joining with Californesis Whackis and the tree-huggers from the Northwest. Who would have thought?


I am, of course, referring to the state of affairs after the 2004 General Election. The voters (dull masses) unaccountably ignored Zogby’s pollsters, Dan Rather and CBS News, billionaire George Soros, Michael Moore, Bruce Springsteen and various other Hollywood celebs and reelected George W. Bush to the presidency. And now the losers are standing upon bales of (figurative) cotton, shaking their fists and threatening secession. 


Fancy that.


But let’s keep an open mind and consider the possibilities. “The United States of Canada.” Did anyone check with the Canadians about this? What makes Blue Staters (electors for John Kerry) think that people in, say, Saskatoon, are natural political, cultural or social allies with people in Los Angeles? Sure, Neil Young and Joni Mitchell migrated West and made a go of it, but does anyone really think folks in Prince Edward Island want political association with people in Brooklyn? Just because some of the older Blue Staters fled north to avoid the Viet Nam war, doesn’t mean they’d be welcomed back. It would only be polite to ask Canada first.


Perhaps it’s time for reenactors to descend upon the Blue States and educate them on the futility of secession. After all, we tried it once and the results weren’t terribly satisfactory.


Made for a cool hobby, though.