by Jonah Begone
There is a story that at Valley Forge - during what may have been his country's darkest hour - George Washington was visited by a beautiful female apparition, perhaps the goddess Columbia, and was granted a vision of his Revolutionary War successes and of America's future greatness. The details of his vision are not generally well known. However, thanks to a generous grant by Mobil Corporation ("...who invites you to join in support of public television") I have been able to make a further investigation of the never-before revealed details of this lofty vision by the Father of Our Country. What follows is the result of countless hours of research through eighteenth century primary sources:
1. Washington saw the great American Civil War, a tragic chapter in the book of American history. He also saw American Civil War reenacting, an even greater tragedy.
2. Washington saw a great war between certain Middle East countries and the United States. At the moment of greatest peril, he sees desperate Middle East war leaders call up their secret reserve force of thousands of saboteurs working under the guise of convenience store employees who take up arms against the government. The surprise attack is beaten off by staunchly pro-American Harley-Davidson biker clubs from Prince George's County, Maryland. (In gratitude for this service to be performed, Washington later became a opponent of helmet laws.)
3. Noting the future lack of accurate source material for uniforms, Washington encourages his soldiers to desert so that their descriptions may be documented in the local papers. He also notes the future development of "...cunning devices used for embroidering and sundry types of stitches, etc." (now called sewing machines) and graciously approves machine stitches and buttonholes for all reenactment garments.
4. In an effort to circumvent the current deplorable state of affairs of local government in the Federal capital named for him, Washington attempts to get the planning and surveyor contract awarded to the future state of Colorado, but is prevented by a short-sighted Congress who can't see the wisdom of having the capital placed in an uncharted wilderness territory thousands of miles from civilization and having to commute to work.
5. Washington views with pleasure the 20th C. decline of the British Empire but is alarmed at the continuing dominance of the British Broadcasting Corporation in the field of "classy television productions." In an attempt to create American competition in the field, Washington institutes the "National Theater" which later in the television age produces "The Love Boat," "thirtysomething" and Lynda Carter as "Wonder Woman." (This effort was obviously not a complete failure on his part...)
6. Washington saw a time in America's future when a multitude of special interest groups would lobby and hinder the political process. Future groups include the Citizens for Random Multi-Cultural Ethnocentricity, Mothers Against Reenacting, the Montgomery County Self Esteem Task Force, The Washington Gay Men's Day Care Association and the Reenactors Missions for Jesus Christ.
7. Viewing with alarm the 1985 decision by the Coca-Cola Company to replace its traditional product with "New Coke" and noting the consequent Bill Cosby "I really prefer this stuff!" ad campaign, Washington reverses his opinions against slavery.
8. In an effort to further tarnish the memory of the traitor Benedict Arnold, Washington uses his mystic psychic influence to have the producers of "Green Acres" name a pig after him.