Your Astrological Reenacting Guide

by Jonah Begone

It is an established scientific fact that the positions of the planets at one's birth controls and guides one's destiny. The following will assist you, the living historian, in understanding and accepting your heaven-decreed personality.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20): A disciplinarian, the typical Aries fancies himself a drill expert, and when placed in command of a company tires everyone out with endless wheeling movements. The private who constantly shouts "Dress Right!" and "Align on the Colors!" from the ranks is undoubtedly an Aries. Reenactors of other signs hope the Aries voice gives out but it never does. Aries natives usually get fragged in real battles.

Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 20): Grasping and materialistic, most Taurus natives become sutlers. Reenactors hate Taureans because they are so greedy, and delight to see heavy winds blow down their tents and scatter their goods all over camp. The dollar can of Coke and paying reenactor movie extras in trinkets are Taurean innovations.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Fluent talkers, Geminis spend most of their reenacting careers as self-appointed authenticity experts. They bore other reenactors with their constant suggestions, advice and opinions. If you've been asked to leave an event because your shoelaces aren't correct, you've probably just met a Gemini event sponsor.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Since Cancer is the sign of the crab, natives of this sign should avoid porta-johns. Cancerians should always bring talcum powder to events to avoid wool-induced crotch itch, otherwise their constant scratching makes them look just like chimpanzees. Cancers usually complain a lot and leave events early, to the relief of others.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): Napoleon was a Leo, and those born under this sign think they have his military skills. They therefore become reenacting commanders. In reality, Leos won't join the real military because they are pettifogging little cowards who can't hack it. Leos insist on being addressed by their reenactment military rank and appreciate flattery, bogus commissions and gold braid.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): This is the sign of the prissy, goody two-shoes fussbag who objects to swearing, smoking and farting in camp. Most of the Virgo-born, therefore, attend events in hotels. Natives of this sign iron creases in their trowsers and wear shiny brass. Harriet Beecher Stowe was a Virgo.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22): The sign of gender benders - females born under this sign try to pass themselves off as soldiers, and Libra males dress in drag and attempt to crash tea socials. Reenactors who are discovered wearing women's dainties under their uniforms are usually Libras. If tenting in a Sibley, ask around if there are any Libra natives present before sleeping spoon-style.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22): In many ways the worst of the lot. Scorpio natives are control fanatics and usually become event sponsors or staff officers. On a unit level, these are the guys with the little books and the hourly formations. If you hear someone shouting "Quiet in the Ranks!" you're probably hearing a native of this sign. John Wilkes Booth was a Scorpio.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21): People born under this sign think themselves versatile but are really a pain. While they can galvanize, they aren't wanted by either side. Sagittarians also reenact other periods and drive reenactors crazy by recounting past Revy War events at Civil War weekends and Civil War events at Revy War weekends. They love specialized impressions and are often seen dressed in naval garb at land battle events.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): The sign of the goat, Capricorns are filthy and disgusting. The typical habitat of this type is a broken down pup tent with spilled food strewn all around. Natives of this sign have snot on their uniforms. If you see a campfire with discarded pork and beans poured over the logs you've found the company street of a Capricorn. Irvin McDowell was a Capricorn.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 19): The waterbearer; most Aquarians are utterly useless and fit only to refill canteens. This is the sign of the career private. If you see a ramrod flying across a battlefield, chances are it came from the musket of an Aquarius. The Aquarius native is also skilled at tripping over tent ropes and stumbling into his file partner. These people are why event sponsors get liability insurance.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20): Since this is the sign of the fish, Pisces natives always reek after event weekends, but due to a misplaced sense of authenticity they refuse to properly launder their wool uniforms and therefore smell all the time. They usually insist on talking extensively to the public, causing people to avoid battlefield parks. Nobody shares a tent with a Piscean.