March 11, 2003

Where in the World is Mother Rugger?

Well, my old friends (and new ones, too), my sojourn, sabbatical, respite, has ended. I am ready to take up the cause of enlightening, educating, befuddling and (I hope) amusing my Rugby brothers and sisters once again. So, where has Mother Rugger been, you ask? Certainly not penning those rants that made yours truly infamous in the Rugby community!

When I left you, I was embarking on a career with Knockout Sportswear, who makes the world's greatest Rugby uniforms as well as a myriad of other sportswear. That change sucked me into a seemingly endless vortex of Soccer, Softball, and other mind-numbing sports. I was beginning to forget who I was and where I came from. Most of all, I was forgetting what made me happy (sob, sob… I love you man!) And, then it hit… a cold, dark foreboding hell that they call winter in Buffalo (which really isn't that bad, but I like the word foreboding.) So…. I packed up the kit bag, put it on my Sherpa, Offsides', head and headed out on tour. Without further ado… from the Indies to the Andes in my undies, here are the top 10 things that Mother Rugger and his professional Sherpa guide, Offsides, did during his absence…

10 - Climbed a mountain peak in the Andes (in my Undies) and placed a Rugby ball to honor our Rugby brothers who perished there.

9 - Stood in line for 2 hours in NYC only to be rejected by Paula Abdul and the black guy, while singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.” Simon said that I would be a hit in Hollywood, and even shed a tear remembering his English schoolboy days.

8 - Jaunted to Trinidad and Tobago to watch a little 7 a side rugby- way to go Atlantis Women!

7 - Went to Twickenham to see Ireland v. England. I was rejected for a Nike commercial while running naked across the pitch- probably because I stopped to ask Keith Wood for his autograph. Instead, several players put the boots to my naked arse.

6 - Went to the caves of Tora Bora to drop kick a Rugby ball up Osama's arse, but was called off at the last second by President “dubayah.” It seems that he has more pressing issues with some other guy.

5 - Crashed at the #@$%&*ing Osbourne's house. It turns out Ozzy's a #$@%^ing Rugby fan. Jack wanted Kelly to be the next $%#!&*ing Rugby Queen.

4 - Spent some time at the Fort Lauderdale Ruggerfest. We took 3rd in the Club Division. When we took our team photo, the bright glare off of our white skin lit up the sky like a Hollywood movie premier!

3 - Spent some time meditating with the Dalai Lama in Tibet. He told me to run down the 8-fold path to enlightenment. It sounded like inane running to me, so I said, “Dalai, look… I'm only going to reach enlightenment with a Rugby ball in my hand.” He understood and wished me well.

2 - Showed up in Brisbane, Australia for the pre-pre-pre Tournament party, for the Golden Oldies festival (being held in May.) *Seems like we should host this tournament in the US, since we have an ever-growing Old Boys population!

1 - Woke up, smelled the coffee, and realized that it was time to get back in the game.

You knew me as Hooker Rugby Supply. You tolerated me as a rep for Knockout Sportswear. Now you'll love me as Front Row Outfitters. As of 8 this morning, Front Row Outfitters is officially on the map. FRO will emphasize Rugby team sales, but we will also focus on Corporate and team promotional items. If your team needs custom jerseys (KO jerseys, Barbarian, etc…), shorts, balls, etc… I'm your man. However, we'll also be able to provide products to promote your team or company… ball caps, golf shirts, mugs, you name it. Our goal is to be the one stop shop for anything your team needs (as long as it's been legalized!) With our new business plan, we will not be handling individual player sales (i.e.- boots, mouth guards, etc…) Every few weeks, we will offer a team sale that the individual player will not be able to pass up. Our minimums are fair and will be easy to meet by just getting a few mates to order together. All you have to do is get 3 or 4 guys together to order, and you'll save up to 40%!

Our web site isn't fully functional yet, but when we've perfected it, it will be one of the largest virtual malls for outfitting Rugby America. Our specials will be posted on the website as well, for your ease of use. In the five years that I had Hooker Rugby Supply, my #1 goal was always customer satisfaction, without question. That goal remains the same today. It's going to take some time before we're 100% operational, and we can use your help. Rugby is comprised of some of the most Educated Athletes in the world. Every one of you works for someone. The more products I sell to Corporate America, the cheaper my Rugby-wear will be. As I've stated repeatedly, I'd love nothing more than to see Rugby succeed- and why not look damn good while doing it?

When you click through to our website ( ), you'll find our first ever FRO specials. All specials will be in effect until the website is deemed fully functional.” The list of specials will continue to grow so keep checking back! I look forward to working some old friends, as well as making new ones! What ever your team needs, give me a call or drop me an e-mail and we'll make some deals!

Pat Laczkowski
Front Row Outfitters