Rugby Jokes from Australia



Travelling in a train were a Wallaby, an All Black, a spectacular looking blonde and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the All Black had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That horrible All Black wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The older lady thought - "This dirty All Black laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
(3) The All Black thought - "That bloody Wallaby put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) The Wallaby thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid All Black again."

From Geoff Purvis Smith


Q. What do you call 15 guys sitting around the T.V watching the Rugby World Cup final?

A. The All Blacks

From Alexander Mahon


Two men fishing on a river bank in a remote area of New Zealand on a Sunday afternoon miles away from a radio or tv.

Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "The All Blacks have lost again".

The other man was astonished and said "How on earth do you know that?"

The other man replied "It's quarter past 8."

From Clive Sisley


The Australian coach, Eddie Jones, received a phone call from his New Zealand counterpart after the All Blacks lost the last game against Australia in Dunedin.

He wanted to know what training methods the Aussies use to be the "world beaters" that they are.

Eddie Jones said: "Oh, that's no secret, I'll tell you! We take 15 40gallon drums, paint them black, and train against them."

The All Black coach then decided to do the same. They will only have to paint them Gold and Green.

A week later, he phoned Eddie back and said: "Eddie, I have used your secret training method, but I need help, ... the drums are winning 15-0."

From Marinus Haccou


Two englishmen were in a bar and an Australian walks in and orders a drink.

"Look at him" says the Englishman to his friend, "He thinks he's so wonderful, just because he's Australian. Let's bring him down to size."

So the Englishman walks over and yells to the Australian at the bar: "Hey Aussie, John Eales was a soft, pathetic, yellow-bellied excuse for a rugby player."

The Australian looks up, acknowledges the Englishmen with a casual glance, and returns to his beer.

The Englishman returns to his mate, "There's no flapping this Aussie, I think we need to get a bit closer to the bone to stir him."

So the other Englishman walks over to the Aussie and says, "Hey Aussie, I heard John Eales was a Pom."

At this the Australian feels compelled to retort. "So your mate said." And he returned to his beer.

From Michael Lough


Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and an English rugby fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?

A. Shoot the English fan - twice.

From Mark Holmes


The South Africans were flying to a tour when their plane lost an engine.
The pilot came over the loudspeakers and informed everyone, but insisted that this was alright as they had another and it was more than capable of reaching their destination. As soon as he finished on the microphone the second engine blew and he came back on informing everyone that it was time to make their peace.
The South African captain then led his team and others on the plane in prayer. The plane crashed and they all went to heaven.
As it happened, this was the day before the annual Heaven versus Hell Rugby match (as those who have played subbies know, ours is also the game they play in hell).
God saw his opportunity and called the Devil.
G: I was thinking about tomorrow's game and thought of increasing the normal stakes.
D: Sure thing, I'm a betting man!
G: OK, how about we double the bet to 200 souls?
D: Look, I don't mind that, but I'm happy to make it a thousand.
G: Good stuff, one thousand souls it is.
D: Deal
God sniggered slightly down the 'phone line, which make the Devil's ears prick up
D: You're up to something, I can tell, what is it?
G: I might be up to something, but you'll find out tomorrow.
D: Look, our bets made and you know I won't back out of it, tell me
G: OK, I have the entire Springbok side
D: That's alright, did you forget that I still have all the referees!

From Allan Toose