Jedi Ruggers

(You can scroll down to the new interpretation if you saw the movie 400 times as a kid and have the script committed to memory)

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The original, from Star Wars:

Luke: "You fought in the clone wars?"

Ben: "I was once a Jedi Knight, the same as your father."

Luke: "My father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a space freighter."

Ben: "That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should stay home. Not gotten involved."

Luke: "I wish I had known him."

Ben: "He was a cunning warrior, and the best star pilot in the galaxy. And he was a good friend. I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. For over a thousand years, the Jedi Knight protected the galaxy. Before the dark times. Before the Empire."

Luke: "How did my father die?"

Ben: "A young Jedi Knight named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Emperor hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Vader was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force."

Luke: "The Force?"

Ben: "Yes, the Force is what gives a Jedi Knight his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us. Penetrates us. Binds the galaxy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow. He thought you'd follow Obi-Wan on some idealistic crusade."

Luke: "What is it?"

Ben: "It's a light saber. The weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as random or clumsy as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civilized age."

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Now the interpretation applicable to the life of a rugby player:

Luke: "You were a rugger?"

Ben: "I was once a rugby player, the same as your father."

Luke: "My father didn't play rugby. He was a tool, an RA in the dorms for four years."

Ben: "That's what your mother told you. She didn't hold with your father's ideals. She thought he should stay home. Not drink until four in the morning and then urinate on things."

Luke: "I wish I had known him, when he could drink."

Ben: "He was a cunning partier, and the best boat-racer on the club. And he was a good wing man. I understand you've become quite a booze hound yourself. For over five years he got so curbed he could hardly function. Before the dark times. Before, his skirt."

Luke: "How did my father become a lame-ass?"

Ben: "A young chick, namely your mother, who was pretty cool herself until she turned to evil, helped other women hunt down and destroy the coolness in men. She civilized and murdered that rugger who was once your father. Your mother was irked by the dark side of Beer."

Luke: "Beer?"

Ben: [smiles] "Yes, Beer is what gives a rugger his power. It's a beverage created by hops and barley and stuff like that. It screws us up. Gives us beer goggles. And lets us yell stuff at the top of out lungs like "penis" and "hey everybody, watch this" in bars everywhere. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your mother wouldn't allow it. She thought you'd follow some prop on some binge-drinking crusade."

Luke: "What is it?"

Ben: "Your father's boot. The weapon of a college rugger. Not as random or clumsy as a shot glass. An elegant weapon for a less civilized age. Let me show you how to shoot the boot."