The Positions in Rugby
from the New York Vintage Whine Old Boys page
(Whenever you see the phrase "Vintage Whine," replace it with "Old Boy")
Rugby players all have specialized positions. On each side there are eight players called forwards who push, charge, wrestle, barge and very occasionally go forwards carrying the ball under one arm. Sometimes, they move in a knotted group, hiding the ball, and this is very clever. The other seven players are called backs, so called because they run sideways, throwing the ball backward to each other. Sometimes, they manage to run right across the field and this is very clever. Most of the time, the backs drop the ball, run after it, stumble and fall over. When this happens the other side picks it up and runs the other way. The player who dropped the ball must now think of an excuse, it was the sun, the wind (sometimes their own) the moon, I wonder what's for dinner, I pulled a muscle, it was a bad pass, etc. etc. Thinking up an excuse is usually the cleverest move a Vintage Whine can make.
- The Fullback
- The Winger
- The Centers
- The Fly Half
- The Scrum Half
- The Front Row
- The Second Row
- The Loose Forwards
- The Referee
The last line of defense who is always blamed when the opposition score. Vintage Whine fullbacks however, position themselves with care to avoid being near attacking players or under high kicks. This is known as reading the game well. They also make great cheerleaders and will cheer everyone else on while clamoring about trying to keep up. They often gasp and wheeze while looking to the sideline for the nearest water bottle or opportunities to be included in the best photographs.
There is one of these on each side of the field, left and right. They are known for having a marked reluctance to take responsibility and a tendency to panic under pressure. They are always the first to pull a muscle. On the Vintage Whines, rather than allowing any true wings to pull up lame before the match, forwards, especially slow and exhausted front row types, are usually deployed to confuse the opposition, resulting in opposition players avoiding the stench and odor of our outer flanks.
Two again, one inside the other outside. When attacking, they are the ones who run quickly toward the nearest opponent and collapse into their arms. When they try to kick the ball it is always an adventure. Center's traditionally have high sperm counts but on the Vintage Whines we use forwards as center's so this tradition is threatened. Center's are usually known for speed and Vintage Whine center's are no exception. They often sprint off the field to the toilet or to the bar to reload. They have an uncanny knack of tripping over themselves or being flattened by opposition players whom they were trying to run through.
The Fly Half...
In Golden Oldies rugby this is the big laugh position reserved for aging trendies who think they can still cut the mustard. They act tough by striking various poses, snarling, blowing snot, hoiking boogers, and wearing velcro inside their jockstraps. If someone comes near them they usually do one of three things. (1) kick the ball anywhere (2) run anywhere (3) assume the fetal position. On the Vintage Whines, the Fly Half position is reserved for those able to consume two pints of beer and a double cheeseburger 10 minutes prior to the game
The Scrum Half...
A small knotty type person who usually does exercises on the day of the match. Spends the whole game trying to keep out of the reach of opposing forwards. Usually becomes cocky in the last fifteen minutes and gets battered. On the Vintage Whines, the scrum half traditionally talks to the referee, the forwards of both teams, backs of both teams, supporters and other teams playing close by. The current Vintage Whines scrum half has been known to keep talking in a style similar to shorthand dictation even after the match and right up until close to 1 AM the following morning.
The Front Row...
The vice ring of the scrum. In Golden Oldies rugby they play a separate game with the opposing front three. Often their game is played in one part of the field, without the ball, while the rest proceed elsewhere. After 15 minutes they are always completely shagged and, like all alcoholics, vow this is the last time. Multi colored belly button lint is a prerequisite. On the Vintage Whines, all of the above is true, but the same qualifies one for a position on wing or at center. Vintage Whine front rowers are reluctant to move any body part at all. However, some have been seen to give a small jump or squirm as those in the second row grasp and clutch between their legs feeling for something to grip firmly on.
The Second Row...
This is the most restful position. To be able to rest one's head between two well cushioned thighs, clutching on to each others love handles can put some second rowers to sleep. They are known to enjoy the comfort of being comfortably tucked up at the bottom of a pile of players. An experienced second row can go through a complete game without making any contact with the ball whatsoever. Usually distinguished by a magnificent pair of ears and a nose the shape of South America. Second rows types have an uncanny ability to sustain regular breathing amidst putrefied, nauseating odors. They love scrums and the mysteries associated with slipping ones arms through the legs of the front row. The art of this simple act has usually been passed down from father to son or mother to daughter. Second rowers have been known to run in circles and blow kisses to the supporters when they are in fact meant to be playing.
The Loose Forwards...
Golden Oldies loose forwards are basically nasty people who have never grown up. They have learned however, to get younger colleagues to do the actual tackling. The number eight loose forwards usually believe they could have played one more season in the competitive grade and always get conned by the other flankers into doing dirty work. The main goal of the loose forwards is to complete the game with their hair still in place, and be in the front row of exotic dance establishments. They are also apt to remember plays in which they were involved, even though no one else who played in the same game has the faintest recollection of their participation. Some are known to shave their legs and the soles of their feet.
Easily identifiable because they are always forty yards behind the ball, even at the kick off. Usually played in the lowest team in the lowest division before moving on to Golden Oldies. Most retire from playing Golden Oldies with a minor injury and are known to drink a glass of wine after the match. Referees recently petitioned the International Rugby Union to have the inside of the ball lined with tin. Pebbles would then be placed inside the tin and the ensuring rattle would enable them to at least be aware of the general direction of the play. The tradition of having separate changing rooms and showers for the referees does not exist in Golden Oldies rugby. This sometimes makes for exciting scenes in the showers should the referee be a woman.