Some Rugby Jokes

The club president, coach, a prop and a wing are taking a charter flight to the National Finals when the engines cut out.

The pilot enters the passenger compartment and says, "We're going down. There's only four parachutes! Since I'm the pilot I'm taking one," and then jumps from the plane.

The coach says, "Without me the team won't have a chance, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out.

The winger says, "I'm the fastest and smartest man on the pitch and without me the team can't win a game, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out of the plane.

The club president looks at the prop and says, "You take the last parachute. The team needs you more than it needs me". The prop responds, "We both can take a parachute. The smartest man on the pitch just jumped out of the plane with my kit bag on his back."

Traveling in a train were a Wallaby, an All Black, a spectacular looking blonde and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Wallaby had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That horrible Wallaby wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) The older lady thought - "This dirty Wallaby laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

(3) The Wallaby thought - "That bloody All Black put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) The All Black thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Wallaby again."



Rugby player: "Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" Doctor: "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."


The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.

"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened." After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.

"What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!" Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

The family of Auckland Blues Rugby supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas.

While in a sport shop, the son picks up a Crusaders rugby jersey and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas!"

The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

Off goes the little lad, with Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum," "Yes, son ?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas."

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas."

The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have." Father says, "Good son, and what is it?"

The son replies "I've only been a Crusaders supporter for an hour and already I hate you Auckland bastards!!!"

In 1983 3 kids were playing in the street in Sydney when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."

The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts "Lawyer" and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.


The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon" and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.


The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles of the cloud muttering "stupid clumsy arsehole." 20 years later, he's playing the back line for the Wallabies.



Clive Woodward (coach of the English rugby team) and John Mitchell (coach of the New Zealand rugby team) both die and enter the Pearly Gates. God takes Clive on a tour of heaven and ends up at a little two-bedroom bungalow with a faded English rugby banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Clive," says God, "You're very lucky. Most people don't get their own houses up here, you know." Clive looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the huge mansion on top of the hill. A massive, multi-storey affair with white marble columns, balconies and attractive gardens, All Black banners line both sides of the footpath and a huge New Zealand flag hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the house, God," says Clive, "But let me ask you a question. How come I get this little two-bedroom bungalow and John Mitchell gets a huge mansion with all those marble columns and things." God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That's not Mitchell's house," God says. "That's my house."


The South Africans were flying to a tour when their plane lost an engine. The pilot came over the loudspeakers and informed everyone, but insisted that this was alright as they had another and it was more than capable of reaching their destination. As soon as he finished on the microphone the second engine blew and he came back on informing everyone that it was time to make their peace.

The South African captain then led his team and others on the plane in prayer. The plane crashed and they all went to heaven.

As it happened, this was the day before the annual Heaven versus Hell Rugby match (as those who have played subbies know, ours is also the game they play in hell).

God saw his opportunity and called the Devil.

G: I was thinking about tomorrow's game and thought of increasing the normal stakes.
D: Sure thing, I'm a betting man!
G: OK, how about we double the bet to 200 souls?
D: Look, I don't mind that, but I'm happy to make it a thousand.
G: Good stuff, one thousand souls it is.
D: Deal
God sniggered slightly down the 'phone line, which make the Devil's ears prick up
D: You're up to something, I can tell, what is it?
G: I might be up to something, but you'll find out tomorrow.
D: Look, our bets made and you know I won't back out of it, tell me
G: OK, I have the entire Springbok side
D: That's alright, did you forget that I still have all the referees!



Why don't rugby players have mid-life crisises?

They stay stuck in adolescence.



Why do rugby players like smart women?

Opposites attract.



Why do people tend to hate Australian Rugby players on sight?
Because it saves time.


Rugby player in Chinese restaurant:
"Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy."
Waiter: "That's because they're the chopsticks, sir."



A man went to the doctor one day and said: "I've just been playing Rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, my arms, my head, my tummy and everywhere else, it really hurt." So the doctor said: "You've broken your finger."



There's a man sitting in the front row at the Rugby World Cup Finals, but amazingly, there's an empty seat beside him. Another man spots it, goes up to him and says: "Do you mind if I sit here?"

"No, not at all," replies the first man. "It's my wife's seat, but she died recently.."

"So why didn't you get one of your family to come," asks the second man out of curiosity.

"They're all at the funeral."

Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind they goalposts and wait for the conversion.

Once, a long time ago, there was a Wallaby tour of New Zealand. During their stay in Wellington, one of the players had a fairly torrid affair with a local lass. The team moved on, the girl stayed behind, and the whole thing was eventually forgotten about.
Four years later, the same player returns back to NZ with another Wallaby touring side. They are in Wellington, and who should he see walking down the street but his lover with a small child! He runs up to her and greets her, and asks if the child is his. "Yes", she says, "it is." "But why didn't you tell me?" he asked plaintively. "Well" she said, "after I found out I was pregnant, I invited all the members of my family together for a discussion on the matter - my grandparents, my parents, my uncles, aunts and cousins. And we all came to the same conclusion: we would rather that it was a bastard than have a Wallaby for a father".

An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan.  She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans.  Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am an All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.  "Janie, why are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is an All Blacks fan, and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."



The Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Head coach Eddie Jones immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.


What's a bee's favourite sport?

Second rugby player in restaurant:
"Waiter, this vinegar is rather lumpy." Waiter: "That's because they're pickled onions, sir."

A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local Rugby match and Dad can't find the tickets.
Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there."
Bobby: "No probs, Dad."
Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.
Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."