DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out
of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were
drying.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with
the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW.. .."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
The most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to Transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt
holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes
into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using
this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles
away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years
ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to
quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind
of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are
trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when
hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing workclothes, but only
while in use.
D*MMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "D*MMIT"
at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will
need.