After being blasted to atoms in some squalid cave in Afghanistan - we're not sure when, we're not sure where - the constituent elemental parts of Osama bin Laden are reassembled in another place for his expected reward. The landscape is beautiful: rolling hills, lush green valleys and rushing streams. Horses graze in meadows; the soft blue ridges of faraway mountains can be seen. Deep green forests are seen nearby. It is truly God's Country, and bin Laden smiles contentedly.
Just then, in a flash of light, appears George Washington - a terrible scowl upon his face. Balling up a mighty fist (Washington was a big man), he smashes it into bin Laden's nose, compressing cartilage and breaking bone. Another great blow easily fractures his jaw. “Aie!” cries bin Laden, but before he can say anything the Father of Our Country disappears.
Bin Laden sees another flash of light through tears streaming from his eyes. It is Thomas Jefferson, the Author of Liberty, holding a solid oak stick. A look of fury upon his face, Jefferson sends the stick into bin Laden’s rib cage a number of times, cracking ribs. “Aiie! Aiie!” gasps bin Laden, but, as before, Jefferson disappears in a flash.
In great pain, and clutching his ribcage, bin Laden sees a truly awful sight: General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson, his blue eyes afire, holding a loaded musket. “Blam!” A .58 caliber lead minie ball shatters bin Laden’s right kneecap. As before, Jackson disappears. “Aiie! Aiie! Aiie!” cries the agonized bin Laden, collapsing to the ground. “This is not what I was promised! This is not what I was promised!”
Just then another flash of light, and an angel appears, holding a clipboard. Bin Laden, seeing this, demands of him, “I have caused the deaths of thousands of hated Americans! I have done the will of God! Where is my reward?”
The angel, looking at the clipboard, calmly responds, “It says here you get twenty-four Virginians. What did you think we said?”
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